February 2015

As I lay here, in the dark, I can hear the breathing of my daughters. Slow and rhythmic, punctuated by the occassional sigh or inhale. All three of us are sleeping in the same room as we approach moving day and I will secretly admit that I love every moment. Each night is a game of musical beds and I laugh as the girls decide upon which bed to sleep. Most nights one or the other decides to sleep in my twin bed, putting me in the queen with the other and I treasure these moments of sleeping next to their small, warm bodies. Evelyn sleeps very still. All night she never stirs and she stays completly on her side of the bed. Sophie is a wiggly-cuddler. When I crawl into bed, far after she has fallen asleep, she gravitates next to me and contentedly stays there.
Tonight they are together in their bed and I am alone in mine contemplating the time when that will no longer be the case.

July 18

Aaron asked me to marry him.

I said yes.

Of course.

We were walking hand in hand along the shore. It was low tide and the water had left a wide, wet stretch of sand as it receded. We had just finished sausages and fries from the stand in Venice Beach and Aaron had tossed the crumbs to the gulls who swarmed all around him, catching the scraps in mid-air. The sun was low in the sky, casting long shadows as he stops, looks into my eyes and asks if I will marry him. I answer "yes".

Thanksgiving 2014

Motivation

Pioneer Day Trip

I ended up having five days off over Pioneer Day so Aaron decided to fit in an extra summer trip! This is the first time we have seen him since Disneyland and we had so many fun things planned!

Family Camping Trip

Hiking Tony Grove

Bowling

Lagoon Trip with the Petty's

Willows Miniature Golf

Making Zeetos

Right Hand Fork Camping

Hiking up Right Hand Fork Deer Trail

Playing in the stream

Piggyback

Making s'mores

Chatting around the campfire

In the morning after we cleaned up camp we headed to Tony Grove and hiked around the lake. It was a beautiful day and we loved looking for flowers of every color of the rainbow.

Logan Lanes Bowling

Professional Bowler #1

Professional Bowler #2

Lagoon! 
We had a great time at Lagoon with Emily and Russ and the boys. The highlight was probably our taking the world's greatest picture in the air conditioned photo studio, the low point being my freaking out on Wicked. Most of the memories fell somewhere in between. The train ride at the end of the day. Evelyn loving Bombora and the Wild Mouse. Sophie liking the calm rides and everyone laughing and having fun.

*** The Inside Scoop

Right after this picture was taken I experienced something akin to terror. I think I may have actually had some kind of legitimate panic attack. I had reservations even going on this ride in the first place, but I let myself be talked into it and it was so much worse than I could have imagined. My heart was racing, my palms were sweating and I had this illogical fear tearing through me that I was going to die. As we exited I could only walk in silence to the restroom and sob. On the car ride home I was so emotionally exhausted that I slept the whole drive home.
 Afterward, I appreciated Aaron's response to seeing me like that and his talking with me about it. He handles my occasional emotionalism with care and kindness and I am grateful for him, even though I'm embarrassed by my reaction....

Making Zeetos

Making zeetos

Making zeetos

Ponderings

"My feelings are everywhere.." I begin reading in my journal.

I received my first real journal for my 12th birthday. My mom had wrapped it and sent it to girls camp with me and I have been writing in a journal ever since. Before that I have a diary from when I was eight that had a lock and I thought I was cool to record my secret thoughts and lock them up. Not much has changed since then. I still like to have a place to record my secret thoughts and though I will never become a Nobel author maybe someday my posterity will read through them and get a flavor for the person who is me.

My feelings are indeed everywhere. I have foolishly set up certain expectations in my growing relationship with Aaron and after our spring break trip I guess I was frustrated that things didn't quite live up to those expectations. I find doubts and fears and a plethora of negative feelings creeping into my thoughts. So much so that I decided to ask my bishop if I might speak to a therapist again. He agreed and I found myself on Dan's couch. It was there that I began to work through hidden fears and doubts and I began to see the world clearly again. I have seen two therapists before Dan - one in Provo during the divorce and then a second in Logan after the transition to Logan and single motherhood. Both were very positive experiences and I had no doubt that this time would be similar. It also was beneficial that during this time that I invited my neighbor Alicia R. to listen to the missionaries and they began teaching her in my home. Also, our Relief Society began the Book of Mormon project. We each received a new copy and reading schedule with the instruction to read every day and listen for and mark the times we see examples of trusting in the Lord. Trusting in His timing and relying on His promises, waiting for His answers, believing in His miracles, rejoicing in His goodness and partaking of His blessings.

*** Post Script*** I have seen these things in my own life. I have been aware of looking for the hand of God through my reading of the Book of Mormon but I have also become aware of His hand in my own life. I saw Dan for seven sessions over a two and a half month period and after my thought-altering trip to Disneyland I have come to realize that when Aaron is in my life I am happy. He is my best friend. I learned to let go and just trust in God and in His plan for me. 

"We need not live in fear of the future. We have every reason to rejoice and little reason to fear. If we follow the promptings of the Spirit we will be safe, whatever the future holds. We will be shown what to do."

I have faith in this now.