Ponderings

"My feelings are everywhere.." I begin reading in my journal.

I received my first real journal for my 12th birthday. My mom had wrapped it and sent it to girls camp with me and I have been writing in a journal ever since. Before that I have a diary from when I was eight that had a lock and I thought I was cool to record my secret thoughts and lock them up. Not much has changed since then. I still like to have a place to record my secret thoughts and though I will never become a Nobel author maybe someday my posterity will read through them and get a flavor for the person who is me.

My feelings are indeed everywhere. I have foolishly set up certain expectations in my growing relationship with Aaron and after our spring break trip I guess I was frustrated that things didn't quite live up to those expectations. I find doubts and fears and a plethora of negative feelings creeping into my thoughts. So much so that I decided to ask my bishop if I might speak to a therapist again. He agreed and I found myself on Dan's couch. It was there that I began to work through hidden fears and doubts and I began to see the world clearly again. I have seen two therapists before Dan - one in Provo during the divorce and then a second in Logan after the transition to Logan and single motherhood. Both were very positive experiences and I had no doubt that this time would be similar. It also was beneficial that during this time that I invited my neighbor Alicia R. to listen to the missionaries and they began teaching her in my home. Also, our Relief Society began the Book of Mormon project. We each received a new copy and reading schedule with the instruction to read every day and listen for and mark the times we see examples of trusting in the Lord. Trusting in His timing and relying on His promises, waiting for His answers, believing in His miracles, rejoicing in His goodness and partaking of His blessings.

*** Post Script*** I have seen these things in my own life. I have been aware of looking for the hand of God through my reading of the Book of Mormon but I have also become aware of His hand in my own life. I saw Dan for seven sessions over a two and a half month period and after my thought-altering trip to Disneyland I have come to realize that when Aaron is in my life I am happy. He is my best friend. I learned to let go and just trust in God and in His plan for me. 

"We need not live in fear of the future. We have every reason to rejoice and little reason to fear. If we follow the promptings of the Spirit we will be safe, whatever the future holds. We will be shown what to do."

I have faith in this now.